o Who must be the biggest wanker? Gareth Bale for trying to copyright his finger heart-shaped goal celebration, or Jack Grealish’s filing for personal patent of his special signature haircut or do? Would love to have been a fly on the walls of their marketing lawyers’ city offices – the kowtowing conversations, ‘That’s a great idea. Your fingers/hair are so amazing! You deserve more recognition. How anyone else dare do that thing, for bit of fucking fun. We’ll get right on it. Nosh… nosh… nosh…’

 o AWSOME MAN CITY RISE TO THE TOP! Boom the holy headlines. A weekend’s rote of match results and football fodder. Lasting lists of pointless records bizarrely broken; this month, year, season, decade, century; per opposition, flat formation, pet position, tackle, assist, throw-in, corner, number of blades of grasses crushed? Gets me wondering why, when I went to back them three months ago in 14th place, City were quoted at 1/3 against – where your tentative tenner earns you three lousy quid – with them still requiring ten tough points to win the hardest sporting competition on earth. Seems the bookies weren’t quite so batty bewildered by City’s position; or maybe some minted clever bastard has lumped a handsome sum on the trailing team’s nose, and ruined any odds for your working punter!

 o Man United’s Edinson Cavani, my current crush, forgetting to suppress his cheeky chappy banter and causing conniption by posting the innocuous diminutive ‘negrito'. Had this action not snowballed onto our screens via dark, indignant, incandescent social media there would have been no backlash. As this one that stopped several black players from passing the ball to their sharpest striker Man U would have scored seven more goals than they presently have... to be ten points clear at the top of the league. Three cheers for Twitter!

 o Son Hueng-min has been Tottenham’s best player for the last three years. The media idiots champion Harry Kane – mostly as a nascent Great White Hope. Who has failed to deliver at every turn. He cost England a place in the 2018 World Cup Final and Tottenham the Champions League trophy by playing while unfit – if he’d stepped aside and allowed a replacement striker and a playing system that was based around HIM to be revised we could be talking a whole old ball game… with trophies up the walls… but his promotions marketing facilitating squad had their prime priorities fully figured: Harry plays whether he can or not! And we get our cash… in the hand…

 o WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO LIVERPOOL? Another howling headline. Can be readily explained, that other teams decided to actually PLAY against them this season. Unlike last year when the whole division decided to stop Man City from winning three championships in a row by playing like pussies against Liverpool and like tigers when City came to town. Watch the Wolves games versus each from last season, you will be surprised – at how good Wolves were, and how quietly they let Liverpool win in the closing minutes, then ran through City as if their lives were at stake. Is how I remember it!

 o Steve Bruce is being slaughtered by the baying hosts at every home game around St James Park. He’s not good enough for the Premier League. As required by the well-awake, northern gigantic Newcastle Football Club – who seem to forget their perpetual position of comedy ultra-under-achievers. But not to worry as some rancid agent/factor has her barracuda circling – backed by blasé billionaire Arabs – welcomed by asset-stripping animal Ashley – could this be the one?