• You know you’re getting old when you’re locked in isolation and NOTHING changes in your life.
 • Up my way we’ve peer partitioned into two strict sets. One lot dressed in disinfected, war zone tactical, trauma-proof armour hiding whimpering under their beds; We’re all gonna die! Others naked strolling streets rubbing on doorknobs, licking pavements, kissing lips; It’s a giant scam, I’ll do what I like!
 • I see Italy has an exponentially arithmetic Corona death rate apparently due to its aging population, second only to Japan. A downside to the Mediterranean diet?
 • And what about those hard-put minority groupings collaterally affected by quarantine rules. The frustrated swingers and orgy participants; beggars, muggers; hard drug takers and their dealers; rapists, hookers, cottagers, paedophiles – cannot get out there, with civil rights withdrawn. Why is life so cruel?
 • Forget about singing songs and banging pots outside your houses in support of nurses. How about giving them an actual WAGE RISE? As a sign of gratitude, and respect.
 • Before the virus Boris Johnson was described by media as, 'a fat useless lying shagger', since his infection he's turned overnight to, 'heroic leader, soldiering on'. I stay with their initial more astute assessment.
 • With no sports being played it takes five minutes to read the paper. What’s the point?
 • Some years ago I was studying Shakespeare having found a thing on the lack of proof that a minor actor wrote even a portion of those plays and I read a few bits about the brutal Black Death which had devasted Elizabethan London during his alleged yet unlikely life. I've noticed that every historical fact about how that bubonic infestation unfolded, exactly mirrors the evolutionary path of our current Corona-viral event – the way the virus acts, its effect on people, the financial and social problems they suffer are a perfect match? Now, if a fat old Kiwi can source this information at his local library, I'm sure these medical media experts must have access to even better bull? Yet I hear them tutting, 'It’s a special case. Never seen before. We don't know what to do.' The lying pricks.
 • Watching these pet-proud smarmy English walking their dogs. If the virus develops a canine crossover meta-mutation you'll see some RED HOT British bovver; Sod the human race, I’ve gotta protect my Peaches Puffball!
 • Archly entertained by the racing channels’ frantically following sporting events around the globe as each is shut down by Covid confinement. Publishing form for the coming Mongolian Tortoise Derby; posting tips for the All Madagascan Cockroach Cup; butterfly bumpers; hamster handicaps; the Grenadian Grasshopper Grandest National... those bookmaker-sponsored shameless shits!
 • Advising zombie fans lurking out there. Why not visit your nearest supermarket for a virtual reality immersive experience second to none? Echoing rows of empty aisles inhabited by shuffling, red-eyed wretches in dirty pyjamas; gurning, grunting, rushing each pallet as it wheels into view. Although I've never been a fan of those movies – I can't get over their digestive processes – exactly how do zombies shit?
 • Has to be several local homesteads got children wondering of a night just who is that strange man sitting over there… now every pub is under embargo?
 • Showing ID outside your supermarket to jump the queue as a punk rock pensioner; reminds of lying about one’s age to purchase alcohol while fifty years ago.
 • Rather confused by the neutrally mandated BBC service politely promoting libertarian ethics with subtle affirmation of privatised programs in security and health. Wonder if they’ll be quite as enthusiastic for deregulation when the Tories start selling off television stations – as they threaten to do whenever their underhand ugly actions are broadcast to the nation?
 • I can remember chicken-pox parties when the virus arrived around your street and local kids were herded up into that house to be fast infected when the symptoms would be mild and remedied by our blooming youth – all immune from there on after. I wonder if they’ll hold Corona parties, any time soon?
 • A: Knock, Knock? B: Piss off!